John Gray is from Mars, or some other planet than Earth.

I'm reading a great book about the self-help movement that devotes a chapter to the illustrious John Gray. It contained some excerpts from his book 'Mars and Venus in the Bedroom' which I thought were so laughable, I had to check them out.

So here, for entertainment purposes only, are some great quotes that I've pulled from 'Mars and Venus in the Bedroom' (which you can read vast excerpts of at harpercollins.com).

"Men need sex. Women need romance."

"For a woman to grow in sexual fulfillment, she primarily needs to feel emotionally supported in the relationship."

"Women enjoy conversation most when they are not required to get to the point right away...this is a perfect metaphor for how women enjoy sex."

"A woman is turned on when she feels her partner is confident that he knows how to fulfill her. A man is turned on when he feels a woman has confidence as well, but in a different way.....If a woman seems to confident that she knows how what to do him, it can possibly be intimidating....her greatest ability to fulfill him is through helping him be successful in fulfilling her."

"In polarity sex partners take turns consciously using these polarities to increase desire and pleasure. One partner gives while the other receives." guess who gets to go first? according to Gray, it's always the man receiving first

"A man wants to find a formula that will work each time so that he can relax in sex, feeling confident that he knows what he's doing."

"Trust is essential for a woman to continue getting turned on by her partner. "

"At the south end of the labia is the vagina which is the canal where the man enters her body. (because that's the only thing it's for). At the north end of the labia is the clitoris. Because it is so small and because he does not have one, a man doesn't realize how important it is for a woman to touch her there. As a general rule, it is very important for a man to remember to go north before he goes south." (better hope he can tell north from south - what if she's standing on her head?)

"When she wears silky pink or lace, she is ready to surrender to sex as a romantic expression of loving vulnerability......A cotton T-shirt with matching panties may mean she doesn't need a lot of foreplay."

I have go now, I think I just peed myself laughing.

I'm a Sex Expert!

I was just doing an innocent little search on the web for the name of a woman a had heard was now the newest sex expert. Two hours later, I've surfaced from a sex-advice surfing session that took me through an absolutely crazy array of 'sex experts'. I know that everyone thinks that they have something to say about sex but are you really someone that should be giving out advice on the net? My search marooned me in AOL's 'coaches' section where I did not find any mention of the woman I was searching for but found no less than 12 love and sex experts and even more relationship experts. Do we really need this much advice? How could you possibly decide who's advice to take? The experts range from people who actually have education and professional experience in human sexuality such a Yvonne Fullbright, to people who have some counselling experience and seem to think that makes them sex experts like John Gray, to Star Jones who, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why she's there. Star Jones is a lawyer and a talk show host. Why on earth does she qualify as a sex expert?

So after sampling some of the pearls of wisdom from these 'coaches', I have some expert advice - on how to choose a sex expert.

1. Read their bios. What is their educational and professional background. Have they actually studied sexuality in the area that they claim to be an expert on? Do they have professional experience in sexual health research, counselling or sex therapy? Personal experience does not qualify you to give advice. Most of have had sex - are we all experts?
2. Do they give real, thoughtful answers rather than soundbites? It's hard to find good information in the sex advice world because most of the articles, particularly on the internet are very short and to the point. A soundbite is not going to tell you anything that will really help you.
3. Do they allow for differences in individuals or do they focus on generalizations and sexual stereotypes? John Gray has built an empire based on sexual stereotyping and people eat it right up. There is always a sliver of truth in a generalization but not all women are from venus and not all men are from Mars. A really good sex expert understands that people are unique and advice should either focus on the individual, or, when that's not possible, allow for individual differences amongst the generalizations.
4. Is their advice based on research and fact or personal values? Dr. Laura anyone? For some sex and love 'experts' their job as an expert serves no other purpose than to allow them to push their personal agendas. If an expert is constantly telling people what is right or wrong, they are more interested in their own opinion than on actually helping. Good sex advice offers suggestions, not moral imperatives.
5. Do their values and focus fit with yours? It's impossible to be free of values when you talk about sex. Every expert has their values around what sex means and what is and is not healthy sexuality. Some experts believe that open marriage is synonymous with infidelity, some think that internet porn is dangerous and leads to addiction, some actually believe that homosexuality is a mental illness. If you're going to go surfing for advice on the net, you need to realize that all of these experts have values around sex and you just need to pick out what those are. Don't take advice from someone who's values are not consistent with yours - you'll only end up frustrated.
6. Are they selling you something? Watch for subtle or not so subtle attempts to get you to buy something. Are they sponsored by a drug company or toy company? Are they pushing their latest book? It's not such a bad thing to buy books or toys to enhance your sex life but posing as a sex expert just so you can push a product is dishonest.
For more information on how to choose an expert, buy my book, 'Sexperts: How to Find the Best Bang for Your Sex Advice Buck!' ........ just kidding!

Blended Orgasms are the New Black

Ladies, we have a winner! It appears a we have a new greatest sex thing that you simply must try. A few years ago it was female ejaculation. That's old news now. Now we have......the blended orgasm! I've heard this term several times in the last few months. Lots of women at my parties have been asking me about the blended orgasm and how to have one. I've heard that term in reference to a lot of different things so I didn't really think much of it and just talked about orgasms in general. But it appears that the Blended Orgasm has now been deemed by the popular media as a very specific thing, that being a combined G-spot and clitoral orgasm. Laura Berman was talking about it on Oprah about a month ago and today I found an article in Cosmo all about this latest greatest new orgasm. According to certified sex therapist Dr. Ava Cadell, quoted in the Cosmo article, "By simultaneously having your clitoris and G-spot stroked, you mix the unique sensations of each peak into one, resulting in a longer, deeper experience." Wow, who wouldn't want that?

So really, I have to admit, the article isn't so bad. For many women, rubbing the clitoris while stimulating the G-spot is very pleasurable - and they gives some good ideas for how to do that. My problem is this, the article and this 'blended orgasm' trend in general make women think we are all the same, and we just aren't. I have talked to hundreds of women in my eight years of work in this field and I have met women who have never had an orgasm, women who don't orgasm with partners, women who don't orgasm when they masturbate, women who only orgasm through oral sex, women who hate oral sex, women who have ejaculated, women who hate G-spot play, women who hate vibrators, women who love vibrators, women who have their strongest orgasms during anal play, women who can only have orgasms during penetration, and women who can have orgasms by just thinking about it. So how in the world can we describe one very specific sexual act and say that every woman will have a shattering orgasm from it? What happens then is that the women who try this and find it doesn't work for them think they are either doing it wrong or there's something wrong with them. It's just not a fair and accurate description of sexuality. I wouldn't have a problem with it if it was framed as 'something to try' but these things never are. They are always presented as the very latest and greatest way to have sex that you simply must try now.

And just to be little picky here, trying to reach the G-spot with a penis is definitely possible but not easy. The fancy position described in the Cosmo article in which the woman dangles her legs off the bed and he stands between her legs can work, but usually only if maintains some distance and does not insert his penis all the way, or if he is careful to go more slowly so that there is movement of the head across the G-spot. The article doesn't mention the fact that this spot is located close to the opening of the vagina.

I'm not even going to get into the fact that this article assumes that all women have male partners. That's an entirely other issue.

Newsflash! Teenage Girls Have Sex!

I was watching Tyra Banks' talk show a few weeks ago because she had a feature about a survey she had done on the behavior of teenage girls. Rather than being an informative discussion about teen sexuality, it was her usual fare of taking women onto her show, exposing their sexual behavior and then taking turns with her audience berating and judging them. So I didn't think too much about it and turned it off when the judgemental rants became too much for me to bear. But today, in sifting through my usual sites that I watch for sexual health news, I discovered that this survey that the Tyra Banks show did, is actually being reported as real news. Both the New York Post and MSNBC featured stories on the 'shocking' results of her survey. The Today show had an interview with Tyra in which she clearly positioned herself as an expert on this topic and offered her thoughts on the results and what should be done about them. What a sad state we have come to when we are looking to a supermodel with not one shred of experience in this area for comment about what to do about risky teenage behavior. True, they claim the survey had 10,000 respondents, which is a fairly large number, but I have some major issues with reporting this information as if it can be generalized to the whole population. I also can't stand the way it's being reported. It's framed as if it's legitimate news when really all it is is a simplistic and sensationalized attempt to get viewers for the Tyra Banks show and the Today show.

So here are my questions about this survey:
Why is it being generalized when the survey was conducted solely through the website for the Tyra show? Isn't it very likely that this is a self-selected group? These are obviously girls who watch Tyra, which has to represent a particular segment of the population. And I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that at least some of the girls who responded to this survey were looking for a chance to appear on her show - as a small group of them did. These girls are not stupid and would understand that they're not going to get on the show by saying that they are responsible young women who make careful decisions about sex and use condoms consistently. Who wants to hear that? No, they would know that their best chance of getting on the show lies in saying that they participate in risky, outlandlish behavior. I'm not saying that the young women that were on the show were lieing about their behavior, I'm just saying that the survey was likely to attract girls with 'a story'. Girls who don't have a story probably wouldn't feel so compelled to fill it out - what do they have to say?

Next, what's new about this? The 'stats' gleaned from this survey are not all that different from other national surveys that have been done in the US. It's being treated as if it's so new and shocking. Young people have always had sex and many of them don't use birth control. It's not new. And since this is not a controlled, representative study, there's no way to say that this indicates things are getting worse - which seems to be the implication Tyra is making. The survey indicated that 14% of the respondents had sex at school. This information brought gasps of horror from the audience on the show. But why? Where can you have sex when you're a teenager? You don't have your own place, options are limited, you spend a lot of time at school - why wouldn't that be a place you choose?

And why are we focusing only on the girls? These girls are having sex, not using condoms, and getting pregnant with someone. Why are the boys not on the show? Tyra likes to frame herself as an advocate of young womens' self-esteem and claims this is why she did the survey and the show. That would explain why it focuses on girls rather than boys. But does she really think it helps a girl's self-esteem to bring her on a national talk show and call her out as a violent, stupid, drug-addicted slut?

And finally, where does all this get us? The claim that this is done in an attempt to understand and helps girls is so paper-thin it's laughable. If it was an attempt to understand, she would have focused on the girls' stories of how and why these things happened to them and talked to real experts in teenage sexuality and counselling about what can be done to prevent risky behavior. Instead all she did was race through each girl, have them give an account of all the terribly slutty and horrifying things they did, ask them each why and then call down their explanations as stupid and immature. That's very helpful. I'm sure each of these girls has been reformed.

Triple O?

I missed Oprah last week when Dr. Laura Berman was on but I was alerted to it when someone asked me a question about the show. I'm very much aware of Dr. Berman. She has a background in social work, health education, sex therapy and psychiatry. She definitely does have knowledge and experience in sexual health, sex counselling and sexual pleasure.

I am little leary of some of the things Laura Berman does though because she's so very much in the media. She got famous through Oprah, who had her on the show many times several years ago, and she has been on countless TV shows, and in many magazines since then. The trouble with that is that talk shows and magazines are usually looking for the simple answers, the boiled down sound bites, the stuff that is easy to understand and easy to digest. Laura Berman is quite happy to provide that. I think it leads to a belief that sexuality is less complex than it really is. Whether she intends to or not, she does end up giving some over-simplified and stereotypical information. This was the case here.

The question I was asked was about Dr. Berman's explanation of the 3 different types of orgasm, and how exactly one can tell the difference between a G-spot and clitoral orgasm. I looked at Oprah's website and read the summary of the show to catch up. Again, I can see the truth in what she's saying but it so over-simplified that it becomes a problem.

The idea of three different types of female orgasm goes back to Sigmund Freud. He claimed there were only two though, because he didn't know about the G-spot. Later, when Grafenberg put forth the idea of the G-spot, we started hearing that there were three different types. Later still, we started hearing that a G-spot orgasm is accompanied by ejaculation.

There are two points that I think are very important for women to understand about this idea of three different orgasms. First, is that it is rooted in Freud's theories and when he came up with the idea, it was very thinly veiled misogyny. His idea was that woman can have an orgasm by clitoral stimulation alone, but this is a less mature, less valid type of orgasm than the vaginal orgasm - which can only be obtained through penetrative sex with a man. The second thing to understand is that this idea is not based on real scientific research but rather on surveys and on opinion. We don't actually know exactly what it is that causes a woman to have an orgasm. It's a complex set of factors including different types of physical and mental stimulation and emotion and environment. Women themselves have a very hard time being accurate about exactly what it was that made them have an orgasm - they might know the activity or the position but they usually cannot tell if they had an orgasm because the clitoris was being stimulated or because the G-spot was or because everything was. Separating it out like that is not really valid, and, I believe, not particularly helpful.

My concern with the idea of three different types of orgasm is that we are saying that one is better than the other. It sets women up to be unhappy with their sex lives and always wondering what they are missing out on, or if they are not good enough because they haven't experienced this or that type of orgasm.

My belief is that there are many different ways to have an orgasm and pretty much every one feels different, but there is no actual delineation of three distinct types. Bear in mind that this is my opinion. This is based on personal experience, years of talking to women about their experiences, and lots of research and study on sexuality.

The clitoris is an amazing organ. We used to believe that it consisted essentially only of the parts we can see externally. Medical study has shown that the clitoris actually has very deep nerve roots that extend from the glans all the way down either side of the labia, ending close to the perineum. It appears also that the clitoral tissue covers a much larger area than what we can see and extends down into the vaginal wall - this is new information that we don't have conclusive evidence of yet. So, based on that information, my belief is that the vast majority of physical sexual pleasure for women comes from either direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoral tissue. It may seem like an orgasm happened just from vaginal penetration but that action was creating stimulation of clitoral tissue. The same with the G-spot. I'm not at all saying that penetration and G-spot stimulation are not pleasurable on their own, I'm just proposing that the clitoris is often involved.

One last point I want to make on this - about ejaculation. It has come to the point now where the idea of female ejaculation has been accepted as a fact but the truth is that we still have no solid understanding of what this actually is. Again, my concern is that women are being told that if they have a G-spot orgasm, they will ejaculate and that this is the ultimate in sexual pleasure. It's just not true. Everyone is different. some women don't even enjoy G-spot stimulation. And ejaculation is not a common experience. Some women report that this has happened to them, and that's valid. But any of the theories on what female ejaculate actually is and where it comes from are exactly that, theories. I prefer a more open view of sexuality that says that there is no one thing to strive for, but rather to explore and enjoy what you find along the way. If you ejaculate, then that's what your body does, and that's wonderful. If you don't, then that's what your body does, and that's wonderful too.

I am also leary of Laura Berman because she has given California Exotics, one of the biggest sex toy manufacturers in the world (possibly the biggest), the right to use her name on a line of toys. While the toys are not the worst in the world, they are certainly not the best. Some of them, like the pelvic exercises and the clitoral pump are things that she endorsed in one of her books (before her toy line came out), so I can see the point behind those. But now the line also includes all kinds of generic sex toys that look the same as other, poor quality Cal Exotics toys, except that they have Laura Berman's name on them.

And here's my other concern about Dr. Laura Berman, she has given her name to a line of toys produced by California Exotic - one of the largest toy makers in the world and notorious for very cheap toys, often knock-offs of better quality toys. I know that I'm a toy snob, but I think that if you actually care about putting a product on the market that supports your belief of what toys should do, and supports your commitment to healthy sexuality, you should do it wholeheartedly and either go to a toy company that produces the best toys, or start your own manufacturing division. My suspicion is that she simply sold her name to Cal Exotics because they asked her to or vice versa.