It's all very simple, isn't it?

So after my little post about "Sex Advice in 20 Words or Less" I went and checked out Dr. Sari Locker to see how she's able to offer these 20 fabulous words of wisdom. Turns out, she's really good at giving short and sweet sex advice. Her website is littered with it. She has an impressive bio - she has a Ph. D. in psychology and a Masters in Human Sexuality Education. So the woman is clearly well-educated. Better educated than I am, it's true. It seems that her advice overall is okay. But it's so short! Perhaps this is a flaw of mine, not hers. When I answer questions from people, my answers are usually very long and include all kinds of options and possibilities - as I recognize that sexuality is so very individual. I think it makes me thorough but perhaps it just makes me long-winded.

However, after perusing her advice columns and reading a lot of responses to a lot of questions, it seems to me that short and sweet is not necessarily good. What is left out of her answers may actually be important than what is there.

Here are two examples that really had me wondering.

"Q.If I use a vibrator all the time, will it make sex less enjoyable for me?

Dr. Locker. Yes and no. If a woman relies on a vibrator in order to orgasm every time, then she may not be able to orgasm any other way… (ellipses hers, not mine)because her body gets so used to the electric stimulation. Will this make sex less enjoyable for you? Well, no, if you and your partner don’t mind that you’ll have to use the vibrator every time you want to orgasm when you are intimate. But if you want to be able to orgasm while you with your partner, without having to use a vibrator, then you would most likely need to entirely stop using the vibrator in order to get over it, and re-sensitive your body to your hand (or his hand, or rubbing on his body, or oral sex) in order to orgasm. By the way: There are some toys that the man can wear (like a “vibrating ring”) and that also provide stimulation for the woman, so you can use a vibrator with your partner in a more discreet way."

Essentially, what she's saying is true, but there's so much more to it than this. Firstly, there's a hidden bias behind her answer that I don't think is fair. The use of the 'rely' and later 'having to use a vibrator' makes it sound like using a toy is a secondary, less desirable form of sex play. It's a major bias that a lot of people have and it's just not really true. If you like the vibrator, why in the hell can't you use it without feeling like you're 'relying on it'? It's not so much that you have to use it but that you want to. Secondly, Dr. Locker doesn't try to clarify the meaning of 'use a vibrator all the time'. Does this mean that she uses it some of the time, most of the time, or every time she has sex? Does this apply only to solo play or does it apply to partner play too? Does she even have a vibrator or is she just wondering whether she should get one because she's worried it will have a negative impact on her sex life? If she doesn't have one yet, she should most certainly go for it and see if she likes the sensation and how she can incorporate it into her sex life. (there is also an assumption that this is a woman, which is not expressly stated in the question and an assumption that her partner is a man, which is also not stated in the question but I will go along with that assumption just to make this easier) If she is using the vibartor only during solo play, she'll probably find, as many women do, that sex with someone else is so vastly different than sex with one's self that it's good with or without the vibe. Women are such lovely and amazing creatures that we can respond to all kinds of different types of stimulation and can, indeed, orgasm through many of them. 'Habituation' (a word I stole from Carol Queen) to the feel of a vibrator can happen but it usually only happens when the person masturbates a lot in exactly the same way with the same toy. It just means that the body and brain have gotten so used to that type of stimulation that they both have a hard time connecting other types of stimulation to the path that leads to orgasm. This happens to men who masturbate a lot in exactly the same way, but you rarely hear anybody tell a man that he's addicted to his hand. The solution, if that actually happens, is to switch up your play - that could mean using a vibe sometimes and not others, it could mean using different types of toys in different ways, it could mean using the same vibe in a different position with different speeds or settings. It's not that you will get conditioned to vibration in general and not be able to do without it.

And lastly, for some women strong sensation on the clitoris is necessary for an orgasm and fingers, tongues and other body parts might just not be able to provide that strong sensation. So if that's what she really needs, what's wrong with using something that makes that happen? It's not a lesser form of sex, it's a superior form because it feels better and leads to better orgasms. Sometimes what's necessary is not 'learning not to rely on the vibe' but rather learning not to believe a nonsensical bias that playing with toys is an unnatural or lesser form of sex.

Here's one more that got me a little riled:
"Q My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.

Dr. Locker: If you feel like you’ve pulled your Miata into the center of a three-car garage, there are things you can do to make those walls close in around you. First, a drier vagina feels tighter. Many post-menopausal women naturally lubricate less, but if your girlfriend is younger and lubricates well, then there are other things you can do. You can enter her before she is fully lubricated (if she's okay with this idea). Or use a non-lubricated condom to increase dryness and tightness. Also, there are certain times of the month when a woman is naturally lubricating less, so have your woman take note of these and alert you." She goes on to talk about positions that help in this situation.

What she does not tell this man here is that penetration without lubrication is, at best, uncomfortable and at worst, painful and dangerous, for a woman. Not only does the friction hurt but as a woman gets aroused, her vagina widens and lengthens, making it easier for her to accept the penetration. Without that, it can hurt quite a bit. The absence of that widening and lengthening might be more pleasurable for him but it won't be for her. Lack of lubrication during sex can also cause abrasion which can lead to an uncomfortable itchy feeling and can actually provide opportunities for bacteria and viruses to get into the body. So really, her suggestion here is not particularly great for the woman. Her advice on positions is probably a much better option. He could also try things that make his penis feel a bit larger and more sensitive like a constriction ring. She could work on her kegel exercises which may give her more muscular control to be able to actively tighten around him more. There are a lot of better options than the first thing she went to here. It's something a person could definitely do, but again, the short and sweet does not outline the problems with going with this solution.

So I'm not able to give sex advice in 20 words or less except when the questions is "I've never had a vibrator should I get one". The answer is yes!

The Ugly Truth

My partner and I went to see the movie 'The Ugly Truth' the other night. I see a ton of movies and I'm pretty hard to please when it comes to big studio romantic comedies. I thought this one was pretty good, if a little predictable. But there was something in it that I just have to take a moment to bitch about. For those of you who haven't seen this movie and want to, you'll probably want to stop reading now. I'm about to spoil a scene a bit.

In the Ugly Truth, there is a scene where Abby (Katherine Heigl) is gifted with some vibrating panties. It's made very clear that this is the Dr. Laura Berman Astrea Remote Control Panty. There is a close up of the box and the name and Katherine Heigl even says the name. So fine, Dr. Laura Berman managed to get herself another high-profile product placement. But here's my beef, if you're going to go out of your way to put that toy in a movie so everyone knows what it is, you should at least use the actual toy in the movie and not misrepresent what it is.

We know what the joke is going to be practically before she even opens the gift. Somehow she's going to end up wearing the panties in an inappropriate situation and someone is going to get a hold of the remote. Of course the remote does get away from her into the hands of a young boy who's busily trying to figure out what it is. He's interested in it because it's big and has all kinds of lights on it with names like 'ecstasy' written next to them. I've never ever seen a toy that has that kind of remote so I checked it out, and sure enough, the Astrea remote looks nothing like that. It's small and black and looks like a garage door opener and it has ONE SPEED!

The Astrea was obviously chosen because they are actually very pretty lacy panties - we could totally see Katherine Heigl wearing these (and some of us would like to). But to make the joke work, it needs to have the different settings on it and 'ecstasy' written across it. Yes, I understand that it's just a silly joke but what cheeses me is that the name of the toy is so obvious because clearly Laura Berman and California Exotics want people to rush to buy the toy that was in 'The Ugly Truth.' She even has it written all over her website that the toy was in 'The Ugly Truth'. But when people buy the toy and get it home, they'll realize that it's just a big plastic bullet with a boring one-speed remote. What also bugs me is that people will come to me, because I sell toys, looking for that 'Ugly Truth' toy and I have to explain that we don't have it because it's nothing like the one in the movie and it's just not really worth the price of it. But why would anyone believe me when I say that, when they say the toy right there on the screen?

There is a Berman toy that does all of those speeds and functions but it doesn't come with the fancy panties that are necessary for the joke. And the batteries only lasts for 15 minutes - which also doesn't work for the joke. But I'm sure they could change that too.

Why not just use a fake toy? Years ago, the movie 'Not Another Teen Movie' that used a fake toy because they needed a huge toy that rotated and pulsated and squirmed and basically looked like Barney on crack. But then again........ people still ask me where they can get that toy.

Sex Advice in 20 Words or Less

This was the title of an article in Cosmo last week. This is where the sex advice 'sound bite' culture has finally led us - you can get everything you need to know in 20 words or less! The article was a bunch of questions followed by a quick (20 word or less) answer. Q. What's the best form of foreplay? A. 90 seconds of oral followed by a quickie. Q. Does condom size matter? A. Most condoms fit most men. If the width feels tight, try one with an “easy-on” shape, wider base and head. Q. How do I handle an uncircumcised penis—literally? A. When erect, you may not notice much difference, because the foreskin retracts automatically. When limp, enjoy playing with the foreskin!

These answers are written by Dr. Sari Locker, sexologist. Her answers are actually just fine. The problem is in thinking it's a good idea to provide sex advice in 20 words or less at all. It contributes to the idea that sex is the same for everyone which then makes those of us (those multitudes of us) who don't fit the mold, feel like we're broken. How I wish we could just stop it with these pithy little sex advice columns and just print things that are more in-depth and varied. But of course, you can't read a 2-page sex advice answer while you stand in line at the grocery store!

Tired and Haggard

First, I must apologize for my long absence from this blog. The Tickle Trunk store has kept me a long way away from the sex advice of others for quite some time. But I vow to do my best to keep watching for those sex things of interest. I've found a few of them this past week, and although only one of these posts really has to do with sex advice, they all have to do with sex and they piqued my interest.

I haven't watched Oprah in forever but I watched it in it's entirety yesterday because Ted Haggard was on it. I just had to find out what this man could possibly have to say for himself. For the few people out there in the universe who don't know who Haggard is, he was the founder and pastor of the New Life Church in Colorado and one of the most powerful Evangelical leaders in the US. Haggard and the New Life Church were very public about their position that homosexuality is a sin and dedicated opponents of same sex marriage. In 2006, Haggard was exposed as having an ongoing secret relationship with a male prostitute, among other things. He made an agreement with New Life to leave his leadership position and Colorado.

Haggard was a key figure in the right-wing religious opposition to homosexuality. He was very vocal in his opinion that homosexuality was deviant and not of God. And yet, clearly, Haggard was attracted to men himself. I wondered what he would have to say about this obvious conflict and if he now, after being exposed as having had sex with men, would change his position on the matter and apologize to the millions of gay Americans who were shamed and deeply hurt by him and his Church's teachings.

Not so much.

During the first part of the show, I thought he was being quite open about his history and the fact that he had lied and deceived people and was deeply conflicted. But after the dust settled on how sorry he was for covering up his behavior, it appeared that this is, in fact, all he is sorry for. He stated several times that he is not gay and that although he still has thoughts about men, he doesn't act on them. This gave him and his wife the platform from which to express that worn-out idea that homosexuality is not wrong, it's only the expression of it that's wrong. That argument has been used by homophobes for decades to try to make themselves appear loving and accepting while allowing them to continue to exclude and judge people. The message is - "I don't care if you're gay, just make sure I don't see any evidence of it". Which, I guess, explains why Haggard thinks his only sin was in lying about his homosexual affair - although one wonders if the sin was in lying about it or in getting caught. After all, it was only getting caught that brought shame on his family and his church.

So after all of this, Haggard continues to hold to his beliefs that homosexuality is deviant and can be controlled by simply not acting on one's feelings. I wonder how conflicted he really is still - not being able to fully acknowledge who he is. I don't know if Ted Haggard is gay or bisexual or just happens to like having sex with men on occasion, but I do know that he's clearly not being honest with himself or anyone else. He explained the extensive therapy that he's been through but it was clear that this therapy was with other evangelical leaders and counselors who have the same view of homosexuality - how likely is it that they will truly help him come to grips with the fact that he might actually be gay, rather than work on helping him rationalize his behavior?

The worst part of the whole thing is that the real apology that needed to made, the apology to the millions of gay people who are stigmatized, traumatized, judged, abused, and discriminated against every day, was never made. He was clearly in it for himself. It was obvious that we were meant to feel sorry for him and I for one, do not.

Let's clear up the silicone lube question once and for all!

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